Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
