I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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