How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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