I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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