I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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