Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
