no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Randomize
