Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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