How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
