So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize