Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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