You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
