Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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