I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
