Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Randomize
