Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
