I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
you never un-have a 4some
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
