I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
