Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
