After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
