So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize