it was like his penis was on wheels.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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