Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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