Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
