peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
