definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
