The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
