i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
