I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
