I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
