So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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