He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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