Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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