Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
