she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
