bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
