I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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