Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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