On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
