Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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