Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
