the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
