News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
