is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
