I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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