If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
