she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
