you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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