i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
