I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
