My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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