I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
