you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
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