I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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