my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
