Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
