yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
