Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
