she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
