She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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