My liver just broke up with me...
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
