I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
